Bill Clinton famously "lights up" whatever room he enters. People talk about his magnetic personality. How he makes you feel like you're the only person in the room. Nelson Mandela was the same. So was Steve Jobs.
Then again, is this charm or charisma? There is a difference. Charm is defined as "the power or quality of delighting, attracting, or fascinating others". Charisma is defined as "compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others". Donald Trump has obviously got it or half of America wouldn't have voted for him. There have been plenty of charming serial killers — John Wayne Gacy from Illinois, a contractor and Junior Chamber of Commerce "Man of the Year" who entertained children as Pogo the Clown, had his picture taken with First Lady Rosalynn Carter and murdered 33 teenage boys in the Seventies, burying most of them underneath his house.
Kenneth Z Taylor, a popular New Jersey dentist who abandoned his first wife, tried to kill his second wife, horrifically beat his third wife on their honeymoon in , battered her to death the following year, hid her body in the boot of his car while he visited his parents and his second wife, and later claimed self-defence saying she attacked him following his "discovery" she was sexually abusing their infant child. There's now a hit musical about Patrick Bateman.
In his book The Mask of Sanity , Hervey M Cleckley uses phrases like "shrewdness and agility of mind","talks enthusiastically" and "exceptional charm" to illustrate his case studies of psychopaths. And these are conservative estimates. Far from being an esoteric, isolated problem that affects only a few people, psychopathy touches virtually every one of us.
He's talking about white-collar psychopaths: people who use charm in business, who step on others as they literally charm their way to the top. American Psycho was, after all, a capitalist satire. All this was making my head hurt a bit so I thought I'd better go and speak to an expert. I met her one afternoon in her bright, second-floor office, which she shared with one of those computers with a dual monitor, and a running machine. She was pretty charming herself.
She laughed when I told her about David and Paul "Your neighbour sounds very disagreeable" and pointed out that some of what I'd described was down to some people just being more socially skilled than others. Then she said that charm and charisma tend to be in the eye of the beholder. A neural network in your brain figures out that such-and-such a person is emotionally exciting to you so then you project the qualities you think they must have onto them.
You follow their directions because you've made an attachment to them. In terms of helping the species survive, evolution has split us into groups: the variation in our temperaments serves a social purpose. One of the ways that helps human beings get along requires followers and leaders, so you have very popular people at the centre of a network, and other people who want to help those people. There is also something called self-monitoring, where people adapt their behaviour and present different versions of themselves depending on the demands of the context.
This seemed pretty obvious: the person you are outside the pub on a Friday is unlikely to be the same person you are talking to your mum on the phone on a Sunday. But Dr Brands said that high self-monitors were especially good at adapting, and were often marked out as particularly charming because of their chameleon-like ability to win over very different people in very different types of situations.
The key to charm is empathy. David got along with the dry cleaners and the office interns because he actually liked them and because of that he remembered things about them and asked them about those things the next time he met them.
That's really flattering. And it's really hard to fake. An aside: the 19th-century socialite Jennie Jerome, mother of Winston Churchill, once, on consecutive nights, dined alongside Britain's Leader of the Opposition William Gladstone and then his political rival, Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli.
Recalling her impressions of the two men, Jerome later wrote: "After dining with Mr Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest person in England. All that matters is that person recognises it as genuine, whether it is or not, that's enough.
I wondered why women were hardly ever called charming. I mentioned Bill Clinton, that famous lighter-upper of rooms and Hillary Clinton, who was seemingly unable to catch a break. I felt good about that. She had studied gender bias in charisma and her findings were sobering to say the least. Women are not recognised as good leaders," she told me. Charisma and charm has a kind of heroic element to it, a visionary element which is a very masculine stereotype.
It's a very gendered concept. So, people don't mind Hillary Clinton in office but whenever she seeks power, people turn on her famously, in the last election, women just as much as men. Because leadership requires so many masculine traits: dominance, assertiveness, being a visionary, taking power, traits that are seen as inappropriate for a woman.
During the leadership debates on American TV, Clinton had to keep her cool because she simply wasn't "allowed" to get angry — though Lord knows she was goaded enough. Opposing her, Donald Trump could be very dominant with a very clear, very patriotic vision — "Make America Great Again" — a strategy that, as a woman, simply wasn't available to Clinton. I asked Brands about psychopaths. The Without Conscience book mentions a list of traits that share a kind of superficial glib charm.
Psychopaths tend to be egocentric, lack remorse, are deceitful and manipulative, have shallow emotions and, most crucially, lack empathy. Playing devil's advocate, I wondered whether this actually mattered in business. If these traits allowed someone to succeed in the corporate world, as long as they weren't attacking people with a meat cleaver on the side, in some circumstances couldn't this behaviour be seen as beneficial?
Brands looked disappointed with me. And interestingly, sending them to counselling just makes them better psychopaths. Because they get a better understanding of how people think and work. In the corporate world there is one person whom I consider a friend, who also happens to be the most charming man I've ever met.
His job relies on it. He is exceptional at it. His clients work exclusively within the luxury and luxury travel sector — fancy hotels, beautiful watches, handmade shoes, Savile Row tailors and one brand that makes the world's finest underpants. You get the idea. His job requires him to persuade magazines like this one and other glossies, which in The Devil Wears Prada tradition can occasionally be staffed by high-maintenance and idiosyncratic fashion types though obviously no one at Esquire , we're all great , to write about his clients, who I'm guessing here can be equally demanding and occasionally not just high-maintenance and idiosyncratic fashion types but also Italian.
It must be a nightmare. Yet I've never seen James remotely flustered. For every appointment I have with him he is punctual to the minute. He is never less than sharply dressed in a buttoned blazer and polished loafers. His chosen mode of communication is not the, "Hey, how are you? It goes without saying that his manners are exceptional. Naturally, Massey would never be so charmless as to describe himself as charming.
But I thought he might have interesting things to say on the subject. I think it's about showing consideration to them," he told me. I think that's key. I think it's about noticing things and I think it definitely involves kindness. You need to be as kind, respectful and engaged when you're talking to a waiter as you are talking to a president. I think one of the worst expressions ever is 'turning on the charm'. It's a dreadful expression. It's false and it's easily noticed.
If it's unnatural behaviour it comes across as obsequious. He agreed that charm was not the same as charisma. What do I mean? Ask them about it; try to understand. Is your man serious about committing to you? What can I do right NOW that will make me feel free and lighten up?
What would I need to think, believe, feel or do right NOW , to begin seeing the good side of this situation? Finding the positive meaning in everything is the ability to add value to yourself and others especially when it matters. When does it matter most? When others are low on their emotional resources and you become their beacon of light. Whenever you meet, engage with, or see someone, maintain eye contact. Listen and be attentive.
Have you ever been saying something to someone, and they look like they are off in space, and you feel like a bit of a donkey for speaking whilst no-one is listening? By the way, people are able to do this due to a thing known as the phonological loop , a part of the brain that takes whatever is coming into your ears, and it plays it over and over again for a few seconds in your head after you hear it.
There you have it. A lack of presence negates charm. Again; maintain eye contact, listen and be attentive. The first type of charm is the kind of charm that comes from focusing solely on others. The second type of charm is the kind of charm that comes from focusing on yourself.
Like the kind of charm psychopaths tend to exhibit! Think about it. Admittedly, great charm comes from a focus on others. But a truly charming woman has the ability to be both without trying to prove anything to anybody. Because they still manage to engage people.
They are generally able to make people feel GOOD. People who are able to be charming through a focus on themselves often draw you in further to them through their self-focus, and ability to make fun of themselves or intrigue you.
Be aware of the two kinds of charm, and choose wisely. But ultimately, if you truly care for others, you can use either charm and be in a win-win situation. Have FUN!! You pinch their face, and they laugh! You clap your hands, they laugh! You make a silly face, and they laugh, and laugh and laugh! And you want to be around this baby because he or she makes you feel GOOD!
Next time you see a puddle, jump in it, instead of bitching about it. Jump on a trampoline, make FUN a central focus of your life. Relax and let go. Be comfortable in being a woman.
Accentuate all the attributes that make you feminine and womanly. If you make a mistake, just go straight back to being the woman that you are. Keep moving forward, and go right ahead and laugh at yourself.
Read this article on what feminine energy is and how to tap into it. You have to be the judge of that and you have to go out there to experience it for yourself. What do you think makes a woman charming? Do you have any examples of charming women or men? Leave me a comment below and share with all of us! If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. Together with her husband D. To all who read this…. You must have faith. There are greater forces at work than you can imagine.
It will get better and each of your situations will improve whether it is what you intended to happen or not. I feel very feminine, but the advice about maintaining eye contact and not fidgeting is so difficult for me because I have ADHD.
Does anyone else struggle with this, and is there any way I can improve? But gotta say, it might be lack of your interest that gets you not making eye contact and fidgeting while interacting with others but you can sit still otherwise. Tbh even off meds and way before I started treatment, my issue was worse in settings without social interaction than with it.
See a professional for both issues though, … Read more ». Hey thanks for the great article. I really enjoyed your insights. Research from found that women tend to sound less charismatic than men, which unfortunately leads to engagement when it comes to things like business pitches and political speeches.
As author Frank Cabane writes in The Charisma Myth , "Charismatic individuals choose specific behaviors that make other people feel a certain way. While it might seem like charisma is a "you either have it or you don't" personality trait, Cabane writes that it's actually a "learned behavior. Charismatic women are pay attention to and are genuinely fascinated by what you have to say, and would often rather talk about you than themselves.
To sharpen your listening tools, practice being as present as possible and use charismatic movements. Charming people know how to speak concisely and get their point across while making you feel magically at ease.
To practice your speaking skills, check out Toastmasters International , which has helped people from every walk of life get their speech-making game face on. Female charisma isn't about being the most beautiful woman in the room, but the most charismatic women know how to rock what they've got.
To delve deeper into this, perfect an awesome at-home blowout and learn how to style your hair in the way that makes you feel like your most fabulous self. Then, become a pro at picking out the perfect clothes for your body type. While a leader may want to take on the most powerful stance they can come up with, a charmer wants to make sure they remain approachable and relatable.
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